Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
