Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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