my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize