Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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