Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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