Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
