My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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