A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
