Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
