Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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