he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
