Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize