Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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