ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
