a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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