i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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