I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
