Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
