We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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