Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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