I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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