Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
