Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
