Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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