Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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