sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
