Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
