She's JV to your varsity
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
