Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
