I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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