is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
