one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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