Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize