In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
