I wanna passion pit in your ass
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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