i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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