all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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