I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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