I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
