last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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