Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
