why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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