I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
