Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
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