i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
