I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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