it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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