I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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