if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
