you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
