Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
