wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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