Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
