Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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