So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
