the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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