Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
