i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I am naked and annoyed.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
