I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
